Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Why I Am Afraid Of The Claire

Quite apart from the fact that this piece is about me and the well documented Look, this is just very funny.

Monica sent it to the usual pub quiz suspects the day after the quiz at which a photo was taken - Monica's headband broke and the first thing everyone thought was 'we can make them into horns for Claire ...'

Why I Am Afraid Of The Claire - by Monica White.

Claire is small, granted. There's a formidable intellect there and a fierce streak. All fine and well, but I'd usually tell someone like that to bite my kneecaps if an argument wasn't going my way.

The Claire, though, has one weapon that chills my blood.

The Look.

This is reserved for those times when words would be utterly superflous. It's usually aimed at me when I say something of a particularly stupid bent. I watch myself around The Claire.

For Claire's calling (not unlike Buffy) is to be an assistant to the supernatural. 'Nothing new,' you may say, 'I've seen her rustle up a group of friends from apparently thin air to make a fab Friday night. I know she's in league with the dark forces.'

Ahh, but this is different.

The Claire is actually PA to Satan himself. She organises his diary. She screens his calls. She gets him hot lava (red with one).

I thought I'd share this with you all. I think it may save one of us someday. Sort of like knowing you're in a bad teen horror flick and following the rules (don't answer the phone, don't wander off by yourself, don't be the stupidest bimbette with the least lines).

Failing that, I think might have some protection spells.

I actually inspired Monica to create quite a bit of poetry and rap in our time ...