Monday, May 28, 2012

The Voice Live Blog - Team Delta and Team Seal

So, the roundup from last week; all the songs reached the Top 20 in iTunes and the results of the votes for Team Keith and Team Joel are coming in. And Seal and Delta are going to sing their trademark songs with their Teams! Wheeeee. Oh no, Host is Not in Suit of Sex. It is a Sweet Suit though ... Seal is in Black, Joel is dressed as an Amish Man, Delta is in White and Keith is Skyping It In from the US!

Team Keith's winners by Australian Public Vote are The Man with the Velvet Voice, Darren and The Interchangeable Blonde (her dress really is good), Brittnay. Keith hates that he is not there for his Team, but he loves them all and feels very close to them. Keith picks The Greek Goddess Diana, and The Shy Boy Adam. That strange man, Jimmy, is leaving ...

Team Joel is up next and Big Red (that hair!) gets in with Australia's Vote - PHARQUE - the power of the Screaming Girls of Australia gets Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson in. Sigh. Joel then selects Ben (he has no nickname for some reason, is that a good thing or a bad thing?) and Australia's Beyonce, Prinnie. I am sad that Laura has gone, she was different.

The Other Sebastian has allowed someone to Intervene with His Hair (it's better, but not best) but he has gotten to do a REALLY good song (I Can't Stand The Rain) and Keith is awesome from the other side of the world (I love you Keith). Delta is blah, Joel is tip-top and points out Chris didn't have to move, just sing. I liked that about the performance. Seal thinks that The Other Sebastian sang the song better than he, Seal, did when he covered it. Chris and Seal made love to each other, Man. The SWISSE advert starring Delta that play in each break are ridiculous.

The Singing Teacher needs to dial back her 'I'm Older Than The Rest' schtick. Oh no, someone thought Sexy Woman style meant getting in Ricki Lee Coulter's stylist. Why does The Voice's stylist seem only to style the young ones with a smidgin of style? (please note only a smidgin) She is sweet, but not a star.

YAY! The Girl Who Makes Seal Dance is singing The Look of Love (a great song choice for two of her judges) The styling, oh god preserve me, are the stylists on crack? That voice of hers is marvellous. HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh Seal, you stuck both fingers in your mouth to wolf whistle and I just went somewhere else in my mind. Joel called her voice vintage, which is a pretty good call, but the stylist keeps listening to him. Seal is divine to her, as always. Seal makes love to her, etc etc.

Delta has The Russian singing Smells Like Teen Spirit and she is dressed like the Sexiest Mermaid Ever and her voice and arrangement would have you diving right off your sleek Greek Galley to swim frantically to the rocks below her to throw yourself upon her voice. Keith didn't get it (Keith, you make me sad) and Delta just totally took credit for most of the moves Victoria did on stage. What now? The trick is not to be too clear on what YOU did Delta ...

Ego Stroking Time Now, Team Seal singing Kiss From A Rose (they have new clothes, thank god) and when Seal's voice comes in I genuinely get a shiver. The Team is doing well. Very Well. WHY ARE THEY STILL PUTTING KARISE IN FORMAL GOTH WEAR? I am ready to throttle that stylist tonight. Nice performance, Seal takes a lot of the attention, real performers can't help turning others into Backup Singers it seems.

Delta's Backup Singer is doing Closer and Delta has created some AMAZING staging and finally he is FUCKING SINGING, GO GLENN! I think I may have gotten on board with Delta with what she has just done for him. Hugs for Delta. Props for Glenn (and his one awesome dance move that The Host wanted to see) Keith stood up to demonstrate why the only reason he didn't stand was because we would not have seen him on the webcam, and we got a great shot of his Calvin Kleins. Oh Keith. Oh Nicole ... DELTA RAVED, bless her. And Glenn said Happy Birthday to one of the techies. GOOD MAN THAT MAN. Much hugging and laughing with Delta. Seal tries to bond with Glenn, Delta drags him away and SEAL TELLS DELTA TO SIT DOWN. I am Team Delta on this one, Glenn is hers, not yours, you, you, you NATIONAL BICYCLE, Seal.

Ah, Seal's pretty little girl (previously called The Diamond/Feather Girl) has unveiled yet another stunning song in Ave Maria. Her voice and range is pristine. PRISTINE. I am calling her The Saint now. Seal scored some points off Delta and Keith regarding backup dancers (although for this song he had a HARP onstage for chrisssake) and then did his thing. HE KISSES HER!

The Angel from Team Delta is singing Someone to Watch Over Me. She sounds like she is twice her age. At least she is not in a dress that is for a woman twice her age (clever move stupid stylist). Now, I see what Delta is TRYING to do, but little Rachel should be sticking to age appropriate songs methinks. Keith thinks her voice is mature, thick and creamy. Now I want to eat some Triple Cream Brie. Is that wrong of me? Delta takes some credit again. Stop it Delta, your singers are doing well enough as it is.

Seal's girl with the Tremendous Voice is finally NOT IN GOTH GLAM ridiculousness and singing Landslide. She is in Tribal Glam (so original stupid stylist). Her voice is utterly unbelievable sometimes, she sounds like the friend you go to see in times of peril to assure you that you will get through. Seal says her 50% is better than most people's 80%. She is the only one who has made me tear up. All my tears dried up when Seal started making a move on my girl in front of the whole nation. I am warning you Seal ...

Now Team Delta is singing Born to Try and Delta is wearing some kind of head/hair piece that is just ... that stylist needs to be slapped right now. Right NOW. The singing is lovely. Delta has a scrunched face when she hits those amazing notes and I am more on her Team than I was before. Well, that is over for another week.

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Voice Live Blog - Team Keith and Team Joel

One of Team Joel had to leave because she had done a Video Clip with Famous Sebastian. Naughty Girls start off the night.

Seal's shirt is open to his navel (and he has fingerless white gloves on! They somehow look as if they attach to his shirt), Joel is going sleeveless again, Delta is finally in something skintight and black with boobs and a ponytail and Keith is being all darling in gray. Cute host in full-on three piece suit.

Results from last week are coming in - Team Seal first. The winners from the Australian Public Votes are the Girl That Makes Seal Dance and The Girl That Needs to be Styled Way Better. Seal nominates (after a lecture) The Diamond/Feather Girl and The Other Sebastian. Team Delta wins The Russian and The Angel through with Australian Public Votes, and Delta (her foundation is too light for her neck, makeup FAIL) decides on The Backup Singer (because he moved Keith to tears) and then, after a really long speech, with The Singing Teacher.

Christ, Team Keith's first, Darren, is giving me goosebumps. His voice is like my favourite quote from Bedrooms and Hallways - a voice that washes over you like a dark, powerful river. He doesn't even need to work the camera, he just sings. Seal is out of his seat to clap, he reckons Darren is a veteran performer. Joel has taken his toothpick out and said that Darren is his favourite performer - cool, smooth, so much swag and women all over Australia are calling Darren 'Daddy' apparently. Delta says something GOOD for once, saying he has a wondrous and childlike quality.

Team Joel is leading with Australia's Beyonce singing Nicky Minaj in an Awesome Emerald Dress. She is very good, but not perfect (or the sound for her is super dodgy) and I am, oh, hang on, she amped it up (or the sound engineer got his act together). Delta likes her 'laneway'?? (genre I think) and Joel thinks she owns her slice of the show.

Shy Boy of Team Keith is singing Lonely Boy (I need to flag that the host has a Suit of Sex on right now) and Shy Boy has the Voice of Sex (and Keith needs some Sex Props too for the song choice and arrangement) and I need that version of Lonely Boy STAT for the next time I am entertaining. Joel is SOOOOOOO bored, he looked as if he was going to go to sleep. Shy Boy made us WORK for the last line, bloody good job. I am super impressed. SEAL HAS TAKEN OFF HIS JACKET and the shirtsleeves ARE attached to the fingerless gloves. His clapping in muffled by this strange design choice. Keith has emphasised that Shy Boy will not be a Lonely Boy for long. It turns out that I agree, although he is very quiet in interview.

A break out on Team Keith, who call themselves Family Keith, and they 'have a light about them'. Seal AND Keith as Messiahs on The Voice? There is room for only one ...

Up next is Team Joel's Big Red (her hair makes me really, really happy) (hehehehehe, they just edited the show wrong, they used a clip of the Host in the Suit of Sex announcing another artist! Live is so much fun). Big Red is wearing a FABULOUS Galaxy dress and Joel is out of his seat pumping the air - she has a friggin' galactic voice. ALL the judges are out of their seats. (Host in the Suit of Sex apologies for wrong introduction). Delta raves on, Joel can't sit down, Host in Suit of Sex interrupts Delta, then Joel takes his justly deserved laurels. Big Red blew Joel's mind.

I really don't get the next singer from Family Keith. So I am going to have try to ... nope, don't like his voice at all. Nope. Strange legs, strange hair. Neither are working as they are styled at the moment. Sigh. Going to have a bit of a break.

I am getting EVEN MORE FOND of Joel Madden because he seems to be a fabulous coach. Just as the Host in the Suit of Sex has fabulous legs. Joel’s next singer is ... well ... I am watching instead of typing. Hello Ben. HELLO BEN. Delta is standing for Ben. Joel thinks he is a sweet, nice, honest dude. I like you Joel, you give your team really good songs. Joel can spot himself a popstar for sure.

The Host in the Suit of Sex is doing a bit of an “Angelina” with his intros - although I am not complaining per se at the position of his legs. Keith is sending out that delightful, delightful Social Worker with the smile that lights up entire city blocks. THERE ARE LITTLE KIDS GETTING OUT OF THE AUDIENCE TO DANCE ON STAGE WITH HIM! Delightful. I think he must work at a Church too, because he works the stage like an Evangelical Pastor. Seal didn't like the little dancers, Joel is outraged that Seal didn't love the little dancers. Keith finally showed some claws telling Seal he was "Sorry it was so entertaining Seal!" I love Sassy Keith. More Sassy Keith please, also, more Evangelical Pastor Social Worker please.

Oh my, the Classically Trained girl on Team Joel is singing Goyte, good luck. She has a seriously unique voice, and some pretty amazing trousers on and bare feet. Good lord. She is channelling Wednesday Addams at a Summer Camp Talent Show. WAAAAAAY too out of the mainstream. Delta is not convinced. Joel rightly points out that she is so very different, and it is his Star Spotting instinct that is right on, she is not for THIS competition, but forget Laneways, she has entire Boulevards available to her with that style. Seal is telling her that she PERFORMED, that everything else is just noise. She has SO much a good Producer could work with.

Keith. Keith. You are lovely. WHOOT! Little Woman who Looks like a Greek Leah Michelle is in an amazing salmon oversized suit jacket and cropped pants with white shirt and black bow-tie outfit. She is magnificant, and there is no end to her range. Judges are standing, crowd has exploded. Delta raves. Keith is lovely. Again. He is so proud.

Joel's Edward Cullen (another pretty boy who does not know how to interview) is on next doing one of my very favourite songs. Oh Laken. No, you sound like you in pain. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FAVOURITE SONG? Damn you Edward Cullen you destroy so many things - literature, romantic heroes, Cedric Diggory, Youth Group - WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I CANNOT DISTINGUISH BETWEEN EDWARD CULLEN THE BOOK CHARACTER AND ROBERT PATTINSON THE ACTOR? Stephanie Meyer you are the devil incarnate.

Seal does not think that Laken worked his ass off like Seal does when he performs, especially with all the energy that Screaming Girls can provide. Screaming Girls are the new power in the world. Screaming Girls can make Laken’s song from the Battles Number 3 on the iTunes charts for heavens sake. Screaming Girls can make Edward Cullen bigger than Fitzwilliam Darcy. If this is what Feminism got us, I want off the boat. I mean, as Louise said today – “Seal with an otter. Seals eat otters. Man Flesh Seal with an otter. Oooooooooohhhhhhh.” Do you get what I am saying?

Keith's sweet Interchangeable Blonde is up doing a lovely job, being The Angel of this round in a great dress but I can’t concentrate on the song. I am sure she was lovely. Delta says something. Seal likes her thanking her band. Keith likes her thanking the band too. Good work Well Mannered Blonde. Finished!

Saturday, May 19, 2012


Flâneuse watched the boy from the painting. The boy was solemnly assessing his coiffure, a mane unparalleled in Flâneuse’ interested observation. The boy from the painting darted his hands in, around, and out of the flames atop his crown in a sudden movement that spoke of the restraint necessary in taking his hair from unruly to half-tamed. Such hair must be treated as the finest pastry, the moment between perfection and destruction could rest in a fleeting pat. The boy from the painting rested his hands, and glanced at Flâneuse in the glass. Flâneuse rose slowly from the frame and brushed her ignescent tail around the boy’s ankle as they finished his toilet for the day.

Photo Credit: The Sartoralist; On the Street ... Redhead, Paris
With Thanks to Jennifer for the inspiration
22 September 2008

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Voice Live Blog - Team Seal and Team Delta

My fabulous American Pastry Chef Housemate, the awesome Kevin, has left the building and I miss our three-hour conversations, his cooking and the fact that you find out something new about him each time you talk to him. Kevin and I watched The Voice together and I promised to Live Blog on Facebook the episodes that he was missing by not being in the country. Seal tells me that ‘you're never going to survive (without Kevin) unless you get a little crazy’, so let's get this crazy Live Blogging party started ...

The judges are singing - Joel in white sleeveless vest, Seal in a grey suit, Keith in grey marle t-shirt with drum kit print and Delta with braids and bronze sequinned long flowy gown. They are singing 'Sing' from My Chemical Romance. Why.

Talking to the Judges as they settle in their red thrones, Seal is stroking everyone's ego and being messianic, Joel wants an Australian passport, Delta is being vague and Keith well, he was just cute.

Seal's sweet sixteen year old is singing Empire State of Mind, her skirt is made of Mr Snuffaluffagus. Over singing. Joel now wants to be back in New York, despite his desire to be Australian, Delta wants to buy her record of Covers, Keith said something nice. Seal thinks she is diamond, although made of feathers.

AdoROCKable Matt from Team Delta is doing White Noise and he is dirtying it up like a pro. He has ‘The Look’ on - black blazer, white shirt and jeans. Beautiful transitions from dirt to power to purr back to dirt. Keith said nothing, Delta (IS SO FAKE TANNED, why does it match her dress? The Fug Girls would call her Tanorexic today. Also, they have rules about matching one's dress to one's FAKE coloured skin) says something, nothing from Seal and Joel, they must have edited out some boring comments.

Next up from Team Seal, the girl with the tremendous voice has been told to be more accessible by Mr Charisma. She sounds divine and looks brilliant because she has been finally styled well, taken out of her prints and boleros but put lazily in black. Whoops, I just got goosebumps, very Joss Stone. Joel said she had more soul than a sneaker shop. Joel, I think the passport is yours. Seal made love to her with his voice and words, as usual. Then Seal made love to his girl in a close embrace too. He is getting around.

Then a quick behind the scenes look at Team Seal with boys getting their hair straightened and the Team singing 'Where is the Love' and the Team saying Seal gives them all 'so much love.' Ads show Seal is giving a soul-baring interview to A Current Affair about what he had been going through in the last few months. So much Seal Love going out to Australia.

DELTA CHOSE A NEW DIRECTION SONG FOR BEN BENNETT, the young blond with the sweat patches (they DO keep on using that clip). Lordy, he is all in pink. PINK! One Direction is really quite boring, even with his sweet voice. Why the hell didn't she choose another song? Delta, Delta, Delta, that fake tan is killing brain cells. SO MANY SCREAMING GIRLFANS. Keith was singing along and he thought the song was catchy. Darling Keith. Delta thinks Ben is a tree, and she feels like a proud mother. At least Ben didn't inherit her FAKE complexion/barklike skin.

Team Seal's pretty little construction worker is up next singing Got To Get You Into My Life in a supercute traindriver's cap and narrow black tie and black suit. He ain't moving much from the microphone - move boy, I bet you have some great moves. Cute, but not outrageous. Joel is bonding with him, reckons that he and Michael have a lot in common and has decided that Michael was a Temptation in a previous life. Seal is being FUCKING SEAL and coming up with these off-the-cuff analogies that get out of hand.

Team Delta's Singing Teacher is doing a bloody good job, but in her Vox Pop sections she can't get over how her age is her advantage, because everyone else is too young. I hate to break it to you darls, but young is so hot right now. She is singing and working it, but all a little Drunk-Bride-At-Karaoke. Also, there is a Wind Machine for her and her Bangs. Like I said, Karaoke Stylings.

The SuperCute Sam from Team Seal is in an open check shirt and playing his own guitar. Bloody beautiful and interesting singer with beautiful soul injections into a cute song. What a face, what a smile ... BINGO, taking the microphone and dancing with the guitar slung across him. Silly pants though. Now THAT was a concert performance. Joel does not think Sam will have problems getting laid, which Joel decided he got from hanging out with Seal. Seal thinks he is hungry. Joel thinks a hungry tiger. Tiger Sam from Team Seal is Hungry.

The Russian is singing Delta (and my) favourite Bang Bang and her accent is phenomenal with the song. Wet-look sequinned black dress, great hair, awesome interpretation with a truly terrific - as in 'inspiring terror in one's ears' - voice. Joel doesn't get what he just saw, alas. Delta is a little overcome with Victoria's Movie Star Quality and ability to Tell A Story. My favourite female performance so far.

The Other Sebastian is up now, and his hair is really annoying. Someone get him a Hair Intervention, specifically to do with Gel Use. Singing Without You is going quite well, but he has this studio voice that is just not making it in concert. I am bored, sorry Other Sebastian.

Delta's Backup Singer is learning to be a Star singing Heaven Knows. Keith is sitting sideways in his chair singing along. There is clapping from the audience and some swaying pirate-style earrings in his ears under his hat. I'm sure the singing is fine. Keith got teary, and he is manly enough to admit it. Mutual admiration club between Glenn and Delta, they got super mushy. He got a grope in at Delta's waist and is working the judges - what a schmoozer!

The Girl That Moved Seal is coming on stage. Make him dance for us again Emma Louise! MAKE HIM DANCE. She singing Aretha Franklin with some epic Aretha Hair that is WAY too old for her sweet young face, and the dress with the cape? What where they thinking? The styling is making her voice sound too light - if they had gone short and girly that voice would seem to explode out of her. And Seal is just standing, not dancing. SING BETTER Emma Louise! Joel is overcome with great Australian women and being in her eyeline. And now it is revealed that Seal DID dance and I may have missed it when I was typing. Why is my life so hard?

That divine girl with the troublesome eyes is going to sing Hands in the most divine dress yet to hit the stage. She is so pretty and her lower registers are just magical. I think the performance speaks for itself. Joel gets the soundbyte in that it was the perfect final performance. Delta got all powerful and angelic.

The End.